Topic 2 Form a Lasting Relationship

Topic 2 Form a Lasting Relationship
2023年9月9日 第一版

S1:
从感情初期阶段开始，彼此都要容许承认自己是“神经质”的，深受到过去的严重影响，难以理解自己，易产生非理性的假设，并且对现实的评估不稳定。

Allow yourselves both to admit, from an early stage, that you are ‘mad’; heavily distorted by your pasts, unable to understand yourselves, prone to irrational assumptions – and unsteady in your assessments of reality. 

S2:
让道歉成为最常见的事情。无论什么时候都说声抱歉，将认错的代价降至最低。
Make apology the most regular of occurrences. Say sorry about everything all the time and reduce the price of an admission to almost zero. 

S3:
去掉你性格中所有的骄傲。你以前是个傻瓜，现在也是，明天同样也会是。作为一个人类，没有其他选择。开些玩笑吧。
Remove all pride from your character. You were an idiot then; you are an idiot now; you will be an idiot tomorrow. There’s simply no other option for a human being. Make jokes. 

S4:
定期探索彼此令对方失望的地方。让对方有时讨厌你，你也讨厌对方。不要害怕表达适度的愤怒。爱的敌人是被压抑的情绪，而不是成熟地探索彼此的真情实感。当对方告诉你他们的感受时，请非常仔细地倾听。
Regularly explore how you have disappointed one another. Let them sometimes hate you and you, them. Don’t be frightened by anger moderately expressed. The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity. Listen very carefully when they tell you how they feel. 

S5:
永远不要将他们明确地归类为某种人（侮辱性的特质）。只说：我感觉你是这样或那样的人……留意这种区别。
Never describe them categorically as this or that (insulting trait). Only ever say: I feel you are this or that… Observe the difference. 

S6:
愤怒时，要善于察觉恐惧感，然后缓缓地表达恐惧，而不是发泄愤怒。
Get good at sensing the fear beneath your angry moods, then express the fear gently rather than acting out the anger. 

S7:
减少对完美的期望。有时会很糟糕，要容忍重大的挫折。你会有想要杀了对方的时候，对方也会有想要杀了你的时候。但请别，不要暴力。
Reduce expectations of perfection. It’s going to be horrible at times. Allow for major frustrations. You will want to kill them and they, you. Don’t. 

S8:
接受你会喜欢上别人。但别陷得太深，让这些喜欢轻轻地出现又离开，而且如果氛围适合，温柔地与伴侣分享。
Accept you will have crushes on others. Let these crushes wash over you – and, if the mood is right, share them gently with your partner. 

S9:
成为那种对“需要”毫不尴尬的人。接受你内心的孩子，关心内在小孩在关系中的需求。
Become the sort of person who has no embarrassment about being ‘needy.’ Accept the child in you and look after their needs in the relationship. 

S10:
不要防备；不要过于维持自己的自尊。不断地嘲笑你的愚蠢，并为此道歉。
Stop being defensive; stop needing to maintain a proud hold on your own dignity. Laugh continually at your foolishness – and apologise for it. 

S11 以后是要独立
S11:
接受对方无法拯救你免于内心的困扰。努力让自己快乐，如果不能，不要转嫁责任。观察一下，你的艰难坎坷有多少实际上是你自身生活危机的投射。找个心理治疗师吧。
Accept that they can’t save you from your own disturbances. Try to be happy in yourself and if you are not, don’t redirect the blame. Observe how often your rocky patches are really projected versions of your own life crises. Get a therapist. 

S12:
不要期望从爱情中得到一切。
Don’t expect everything from love. 

S13:
随时准备好离开（尽管不情愿）。始终是出于选择，而不是绝望。
Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave. Remain always out of choice, never desperation.

S14:
在我眼里，爱是接受对方真实的一面，同时摧毁虚假的一面，相互扶持，给予力量，成全彼此做真正的自己，成就彼此成长为自身最强大的版本。但是，只要是因为我需要你，我就无法爱你。
I think love means accepting the truest parts of someone while destroying the false ones, helping them to become who they truly are, the strongest version of themselves. But as long as I need you, I can’t love you. 

S15:
尼采在他的自传中写道：一个人必须坚定地依靠自己，勇敢地依靠自己的双脚站立，否则根本无法去爱别人。
In his autobiography, Nietzsche wrote, “…One has to be set firmly upon oneself, one has to stand bravely upon one’s own two legs, otherwise one cannot love at all.”

S16:
如果是因为我需要你，如果没有你，我无法依靠自己的双脚站立，我就会像利用拐杖一样利用你。我不会接受你的真实，而是塑造你成为我需要的模样。这样一来，我会让你变得虚情假意，我会让你成为我需要的模样，而不是你真实的模样。你没有了独立性，我不可能爱你。
If I need you, if I can’t stand on my own two legs without you, I’ll use you like a crutch. Instead of accepting you as you are, I’ll shape you into what I need you to be for me. And in this way, I’ll make you false. I’ll make you into what I need you to be rather than what you really are. Without independence, it’s impossible for me to love you. 

S17：
但即使我不需要你照顾我，并不意味着我不想爱你。我希望，最优秀的我们，能够彼此完善，彼此成就，成为最好的自己。我希望，我们内在的真实，能够自愿与虚假做斗争。因此，我们既是彼此的最佳合伙人，也是彼此的最大的敌对者。
But even though I don’t need you to care for me, it doesn’t mean I don’t want you to. I want what’s best in you to wanna bring out what’s best in me. I want what’s true in us to voluntarily go to war against what’s false in us, so we’re both each other’s greatest ally and greatest enemy.

S18:
但没有独立性，合伙关系不可能建立。只要是因为我依赖你，我需要你为我扮演虚假的角色，需要你成为我拒绝成为的角色，你将不再是你，你只是我缺失的角色。如果我因为你是我缺失的角色而爱你，那我并不爱你。我只是爱你扮演的另一个我，我只不过是爱我自己罢了。听到你口中回荡着我的声音，只会让我疯掉，就像纳西索斯凝视水中自己的影子一样，我只会溺死在你所扮演的属于我的影子里。
But this type of partnership is impossible without independence. As long as I’m dependent on you, I need you to be something for me. I need you to be the parts of me that I refuse to develop. And so you won’t be you, you’ll just be the missing parts of me. And if I love you for being a part of me, then I don’t love you. I just love the parts of you that are me. I just love me. Hearing my echo in your voice will only drive me crazy. And like Narcissus looking into the waters, I’m just gonna drown in your reflection of me.

S19:
这已然是一种病态的爱。我渴望独立，只有这样我才能以配得上你的方式去爱你。我希望你能保持真实自然的状态，而非被迫成为我需要的模样。我现在意识到，此种独立，此种自由，只有心灵得到解脱才得以获得。我的某一部分需要消亡，我需要放下那个渴望你以某种方式行事的一面，我不希望对你抱有任何期望或理想，我不想告诉你应该做什么或不应该做什么，我不想对你的行为做出任何幻想。我渴望接纳你，并与你共同努力，以你原本的模样相知相守。

This love is a sickness. I want independence so I can love you how you deserve. I wanna let you take your natural shape rather than forcing you into what I need you to be. And I realize now that this independence, this freedom, can only come through a psychological death. A part of me needs to die. I need to let go of the part of me that needs you to be, or act, a certain way. I don’t want any expectations or ideals for you. I don’t wanna tell you you should do this or that. I don’t want any ideas about what you should do. I wanna accept you and work with you as you are.

S20:
只有当我不再需要你为我扮演任何角色时，我才能独立，只有彼此独立，我才能真正地爱你，也就是为你创造一个成长为真实自我的空间。我希望你能够理解。
And only by not needing you to be anything for me can I be independent, and only by being independent can I truly love you, which is to create a space for you to blossom into what you really are. I hope you understand.

</body>